I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Who says I’m not in shape? Round’s a shape, isn’t it?
I thought I wanted a long career, turns out I just wanted cash money.
My job is definitely secure. No one else wants it.
47% of all statistics are worthless.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles (and in a big font)!
I’m cle’a[ni.ng m'y' ke]yb36oa;rd.
James is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
Peter reminds you to not play stupid with me! I’m better at it.
Steven is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that Steven may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if Steven is right for you.
Josh thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”
Jessie took the “Are you spending too much time on Facebook” quiz and the result is “No – You should spend much more time”. Jessie shot the computer.
Cleo really wishes she could but, I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
Linda notices that nobody ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning
Lauren lives vicariously… through herself.
Neal is nealing the neally neal with the help of his close neal.
Liz is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Sandy really wishes she could but, My panty hose sprung a leak.
Sean is going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.
Sonia has found love in facebook. She is from Bangladesh and “vhan day vill reesh amehica”.
Claire is disturbed by abominable quadrupeds.
Sara couldn’t myself have better it said
James is for external use only. See your doctor before administering
Erick is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
Jay feels ashamed of his smoking but it’s better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.
Jack will update his Facebook status for money!
Ruby says it’s been a business doing pleasure with you.
Ian just found out that they took the word “gullible” out of the dictionary!
James is going to borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect to be paid back.
Rob is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?
Jolene understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.